I am closing up. I am shutting down. I don’t have the energy to deal with any of this. I don’t have the desire to deal with any of this. Waking up from the American Dream, I realized I will be mediocre forever. This country has been out for me since the beginning. It is written. And don’t give me that crap about “whether you think you can, or you think you...
a blog to pass the time
Taking too much time to get the words right … to admit that this is all wrong. Before you know it, you’re here. Peeling back the layers of lifetimes to feel something other than trapped. To feel anything other than the nothing I’ve been reduced to. All of the things that used to sting don’t anymore. Except they do. How can you still feel the pain of someone that you...
"To have the ability to wage quiet wars in our...
01/06/2006 … and recognize the subtle victories when they happen.” She quit smoking cigarettes with balloon art. Said every time she got the urge she’d create something new. Crowding the playgrounds with fun hats and colorful animals instead of second hand smoke. Filling the air with laughter and smiles instead of over four thousand chemical pollutants. Here’s to you!...
Want to see how a plague spreads? Go to Google Maps and type the word “church.”
What starts things are the accidents behind the eyes touched off by, say, the missing cheekbone of a woman who might have been beautiful it is thinking about your transplanted life-line going places in someone else’s palm, or the suicidal games your mind plays with the edge of old wounds, or something you couldn’t share with your lover there are no endings people die between...
A Good Life
It was on evenings like this, in spite of the good talk and drink, no more love-worries than usual, and a fine commotion of crickets in the late summer heat, it was on evenings like this he knew his true life lay elsewhere, it must, so much acceptable pleasure here yet so much yearning. He was home, some muted pinprick of unease prodding him, dully, from afar. He told a story about a black bear...
I just want to do right by you
The feeling of BACKFIRE BACKFIRE BACKFIRE ALWAYS EVERY TIME.
12/06/2006 Oh, just stab me in the chest. I’d say you really know the way to a woman’s heart.
My hometown is like a secret that I keep. The Bay Area is like a secret being kept from me. Los Angeles is like a secret that I don’t want to hear.
blowing fuses when turned on
08/29/2006 Don’t waste your time on us, we’ve doomed ourselves and we fucking love it. Don’t question the reasons for capitalism anymore—everything humans have ever created was only a distraction anyway. In fact, don’t question anything and don’t blame anyone. Trace it back to the roots, we’ve been fucked since the beginning … each man for his own circle....
it seemed like a good idea at the time
Watching the frantic flight of a fly realizing that his destiny is not to be in this house. I know how you feel.
landfill of wasted time
I wish I hadn’t discovered how the world feels at 4:30 AM because now sleeping any later just feels like a complete waste of time. If it’s 8 AM I might as well just scratch the day off on the calendar. Remember how I used to get upset when you would mark the day off first thing in the morning? As if a black line on a piece of hanging paper could really determine how my day was going...
When life gives/hands/throws you lemons, make chicken piccata. Considering, of course, that life also gave you extra virgin olive oil, flour, chicken, Pinot Grigio, butter, chicken broth, salt, pepper, and capers.
half of my efforts are to destroy the other half
08/04/2006 The words are thicker than ever, not sharper, just thicker. And a dull blade hurts more when the forces trying to push it through remain the same. Can’t face what I’ve become … deface what I used to be … facilitate my movement into the future which gets harder with each breath. I think about it and try to forget; it’s not what I lack, but what I...
Maybe I am only obsessed with the moon because I can relate. Only ever reflecting someone else’s light. What I really want to be is a sun, but there are no suns anymore. Not until the Earth is wiped out and everything starts all over again. What I hoped is that we could all be our own suns. When I was young I was under the impression that everybody had the opportunity to create something...
Plays with the bigness of his littleness.– E.E. Cummings, XIV
06/01/2006 Everything I touch is dead. Like I knew it would disappear before I even held it. The reason for all these blankets is that underneath them I am nothing. The reason for this heap of blankets is that even ghosts need recognition. This morning I woke up a stranger. This morning I woke up next to someone and I sensed they sensed I was a stranger. How far is too far gone? I want to touch...
Me: What if I just turned into a ghost?
Sylvia: Don't talk, babe, sometimes you just say the worst things.
See also •Summer •Spring •Fall I keep waiting for the weather to get colder and it never does. I keep wondering how many more winters are going to pass me like this before I finally move somewhere that actually has one. Anymore, a good antonym for “winter” is “winter.”
this is going to kill me
I go to bed and the words “you survived to cook another day” run through my head. I’m thinking about a reality cooking show on TV. But really, I’m thinking about my life. Really, I’m thinking about how this is what it feels like to go to bed each night, like some sort of celebration that I didn’t die. I am surprised every night that I tuck myself, still alive,...
Z = Z² + C
05/11/2006 I spun my body around in a few circles just for the irony. We can always use more circles, right? I must be lost. I must be looking for something that is lost. I can’t tell from this distance. I folded so well at points A and B, like perfect origami. Point C posed a threat. Always a conflict. Always counteracting. It was just too much square in this circle. You must know. You...
Me: Explosions gone wrong?
Sylvia: When are explosions supposed to go right?
04/13/2005 When you wrap something up in string or in yarn or in whatever you want, doesn’t that mean you want it to stay together? Doesn’t it seem like it only falls apart quicker? I wish you’d stop tugging at these strings, sometimes they’re all I’ve got.
02/21/2006 Those long winding roads. Those hysterical tears. I left a trail of piss and a longer trail of skin. Oh, the way it shed like a snake in that crisp snow. Five wrong turns, and we missed sunset over the mountains. I thought the world was over. Five wrong turns, but we would’ve missed the coyote. And the coyote saved my life. In that moment I became myself. Africa was in the sky....
My dog could die and I’m nowhere near being able to accept that. I will never do this to myself again. I will never own another animal. It is too much. It is too much for someone who loves things as deeply as I do. I am overwhelmed. I just want him to get better. I want to be filthy fucking rich so that I never have to worry about anything ever again … so that my family never has to...
I guess I'm as good as I'll ever be . . .
I mean, I guess this is how life really is … this so-so feeling. All growing up I had this feeling like life was supposed to get better and it never did, so I guess this is it. I think I’ve always expected too much. Like each moment I’m painfully aware that life isn’t ever just going to feel good. Not even for one second. I’ve always wondered what it would be like...
three seasons, two layers, one hell of a past...
01/30/2006 Enjoying your spot in the corner of my mind? I recall a time where lash after lash upon my flesh I said it wasn’t pain. What hurt were the whip crack black marks you left on the ceiling … cause somehow I’m still not close to feeling anything except ghosts breathing on my back. They insist I don’t forget. They persist like my heart, so you can see why I’m...
balance and my extra vertebrae
12/30/2005 Everything is always polar. But only half of the time. We are so in balance that it causes us to be out of balance. One man’s heartbeat is another man’s time bomb. I need trees and nature like some people honestly think they need malls and stop lights. I have an extra vertebrae and exclude myself from the human race. But I cannot excuse myself from it. I have...
the confidence of not giving a shit.
"the music is making my head split. i love it,...
11/25/2005 The moon still hangs slightly out of sight. She makes me want to die sometimes. The pain of seeing everything from such a distance. Eyes so tired from the view, heart so worn out from not being able to touch anything. Everyone sees only one side, so why even bother? If they could see it all it would kill them anyway.
running and walking
This is like one of my favorite bits of writing ever. My good friend Jess wrote this as a comment to my blog (demons are chasing my demons) circa June 2005 when she was 15 and I was 18: I’ve spent so many years running i forgot how to walk. Just the other day i walked…for the first time in years, i cried when i was walking and laughed when i was walking, but i enjoyed it all the same....
I need a journal in every spot that I frequent in this house. So, so many lost words. Someone has probably found them already. Hell, someone probably found them a million years ago because “I’m not the pioneer mind of anything.”
I remember the sound of the impact . . .
11/03/2005 Second time around … still no life flashed before my eyes. “Oh, you’re still here?” said the heart to its beat. What a tease, my dirty obsession. You haven’t taught me any positive lessons … I only crave you more. … though I must say, the irony tickles my stomach in the most pleasurable of ways.
“The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want, unless it is Black Friday. He maketh me buy a new flat screen tv. He leadeth me beside Best Buy. He restoreth my soul with flat, sharp color. He leadeth me in front of the path of all the others for the sake of making sure I get my tv. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of debt, I fear these sales are too good to pass up, for...
Tumblr Example Chat Post Dialogue: Tourist: Could you give us directions to Olive Garden? New Yorker: No, but I could give you directions to an actual Italian restaurant. My Example Chat Post dialogue interpretation: Tourist: Could you give us directions to Olive Garden? New Yorker: No, I’m an arrogant prick and I don’t know where it is, but because of my pride I can’t tell you...
demons are chasing my demons
Run and run and run from your demons and then hide under the covers and they’re still right there with you. So instead of running I sat there and cried with them today. I cried because it takes much to understand them and even more to accept them. They cried because there are demons chasing them as well. 06/09/2005